Monday, June 30, 2008


a few minutes ago i had a panic attack
i saw a minivan full of people who i didn't really want to see
i said blunt things to them and my behavior surprised them
they probably think i am "inappropriate"
i feel destructive
i want to go to the pool and wreck havoc on everyone
i just want to curl up somewhere with someone's cold arms on me


at my first therapy appointment a few years ago, i wondered what to wear because i didn't want to seem "too crazy" but my sense of style is eclectic naturally

i didn't like that doctor very much, only i didn't know it then
because she was the first
i had no one to compare her to
i stared at the Persian rug in the office and laughed out loud
sitting right across from her


when i was little my brother and i were fighting
i don't remember why we were fighting
it was probably over a toy
or sharing something
he chased me up the stairs
i flattened myself against a pillow on the bed
i pretended to cry
he said, "jillian, it's ok"
and i turned to him quickly
and revealed my hands-
i made the "if you look at this, you're gay" sign with my hands
my right pointer finger was pressed in the middle of my left palm
my brother screamed
he was dumbfounded
he screamed again
we didn't know why, we didn't know what gay is
my best friend is gay
my neighbor is gay
my gay best friend has millions of gay friends
on myspace

one of my friend's little brothers is at the stage now where he calls everything gay
"not gay as in you like a man," he says
"gay as in you're stupid"